


Tomorrow, Then Yesterday

by taeyongseo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 14:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20047816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyongseo/pseuds/taeyongseo
Summary: Sometimes Taeyong feels a little too much. Johnny is there for him.





	Tomorrow, Then Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> This is old. I pulled it from my archives, dusted it off and repolished it. I hope she looks presentable now, for I do love her dearly. 
> 
> Title taken from Yestoday. This fic is a love song for her. 
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of complete fiction. This work does not reflect upon the real life people mentioned in this fictional story, and the non-fictive people named are not affiliated with this story in any way. The story and its characters belong to me. Do not repost anywhere and do not print/distribute.

Johnny walked in on Taeyong curled up on Johnny’s bed, clutching a box of disinfectant wipes. The floor in front of their bunk bed was littered with dried, white tissues and the scene might have looked indecent to anyone else, but Johnny knew better than that. He sighed. 

Johnny had spent their day off in the practice room with Doyoung, going over the last routines for their upcoming comeback. Taeyong had still been asleep when Johnny had left. Now, clad in his sleep shorts and a sweatshirt that Johnny identified as one of his own, Taeyong kept trailing his fingers over the lid of the wipes’ box, mumbling words under his breath. Taeyong had been doing that a lot lately. Johnny knew he was writing songs in his head—one song, to be precise—and much like he had expected, nestled between two of Johnny’s plushies were Taeyong’s current notebook and the glitter, pink pen that Donghyuck had given Taeyong for his last birthday. 

Taeyong wore that look on his face that told Johnny it was a bad day. That, too, had been happening a lot lately. Leaving Taeyong to his mumblings, Johnny went to the kitchen to help Doyoung prepare dinner for them. 

Taeyong didn’t speak during dinner, his large eyes dull as he poked at the kimchi pasta Doyoung had made with his chopsticks. Whenever one of the members tried to initiate conversation, Taeyong would just smile at them before dropping his gaze back to his plate. Taeyong was trying, Johnny could see that. He wished it was enough.

*

“I wrote a good song today with Mark,” Johnny said as he climbed into their (formerly his) bed, “Marz was a fan, too. He says he’ll try and sneak it onto the album.”

“Amazing,” Taeyong gave back, quietly, and Johnny tried hard to breathe past the tightness in his chest, the hand that tied his stomach in knots. It wasn’t until he felt Taeyong’s arm around his waist, the cold press of his nose against his shoulder, that Johnny could breathe again. Was it possible to die because you loved someone too much? If it was, Johnny would have gladly given his life for Taeyong’s.

*

Johnny was woken up in the middle of the night by a muffled yell. A silent sigh fell from Johnny’s lips, then he pulled himself together and wriggled around in Taeyong’s grip, that had become as tight as a vice.

“Taeyong,” Johnny cooed, wiping the brown, sweat-damped strands off his boyfriend’s forehead. Taeyong gave a whimper. “Taeyong, wake up. Wake up, it’s a dream.”

With a shudder and another tightening of his grip, Taeyong’s eyes fluttered open, flickering around aimlessly for a second before Taeyong came to fully and he began to cry. Johnny helped him out of bed, Taeyong pliantly stumbling after him as he lead them into the bathroom. Johnny sat Taeyong down on the toilet lid while Johnny worked the hot water faucets. Once the water had warmed up, he guided Taeyong into the tub. Johnny didn’t ask Taeyong to undress. He knew the other boy wouldn’t want to. It took a bit of wriggling around, but eventually he had managed to wrap his arms around Taeyong, Taeyong’s head bedded on his chest while his sobs turned into dry-hiccups and the warm water from the showerhead poured down on them.

“I can’t do it, Johnny.” 

Johnny frowned. “Do what, baby?” 

“I can’t—I just can’t. You all deserve so much better. It should have been you. You should’ve been the one to lead them, you’re—you know how to do people. Outsiders and the kids. How to keep everyone in check. I’m not fit, Johnny, not like this and—” a hiccup caused Taeyong’s entire body to jolt in his arms—”I can’t be responsible for dragging everyone down with me. I just can’t do that to our team, our family.” 

“Hush.” Johnny forced his touch to be gentle, despite how angry he felt. Not at Taeyong, god, never at Taeyong. He would have given anything to take these thoughts from Taeyong’s head. “You’re not dragging anyone down, baby, you’re raising them up. You’re raising me up. This team needs you, Taeyong. _ I _ need you.” 

Taeyong didn’t respond to that at first and so Johnny tried to reassure him with his touch where his words couldn’t reach him. 

“You should leave me,” Taeyong whispered into the damp air, long after Johnny had turned the water off. 

Where he had been dozing, reassured as long as Taeyong was safe and sound in his arms, Johnny snapped his eyes back open.“What? What did you say? Why would you ever say that?”

Taeyong didn’t answer.

“Taeyong!” Johnny used his hand to tilt Taeyong’s head towards him by his chin, forced the other boy to look at him. “Why would you say that?”

Taeyong smiled at him, such an overwhelming amount of despair in his eyes that it knocked the breath right out of Johnny’s lungs, “I’m broken, Johnny, my exhausted mind and soul.”

“That’s not true,” Johnny said, determinedly. “You’re not broken. You’re just... “

“Broken,” Taeyong stated, toneless, “I am broken.”

Johnny wanted to protest, but then Taeyong was crying again and he resorted to taking care of that first, pressing kisses and encouraging words into Taeyong’s skin. Light was breaking through the blinds in front of the bathroom window by the time Taeyong’s breath evened out against his neck.

*

Johnny took Taeyong out for _ bulgogi _ the next evening. He invited Taeil and Yuta as well, because if Johnny knew one thing that would always lift Taeyong’s mood, then that was some good old hyungline bonding. They had to sneak in through the back entrance, as to avoid a mob outside of, or godforbid even inside the restaurant, but they managed.

Taeil turned towards Johnny the moment Yuta had taken Taeyong to the fridge that held soju and the non-alcoholic drinks, “What’s up with Yong?”

Johnny followed Taeil’s line of vision to see Taeyong standing motionless while Yuta did his best to make picking a bottle of sprite out of the fridge as exciting as possible. Taeil and Yuta knew, had noticed Taeyong’s slow but visible mood decline over the past months. It was impossible to have secrets from the ground, especially the older members.

“I don’t know. Yesterday he told me that,” Johnny felt his eyes burn at the memory alone, “he told me that I should leave him.”

“What?” Taeil frowned, “Why would he do that?”

Johnny wiped his nose, shrugging his shoulders, “Something about how he’s broken. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying, but the thought that that’s how he feels about himself is killing me.”

“Will you?” Taeil asked cautiously, “Leave him, I mean.”

“What the hell? Of course not!” Johnny became breathless at the thought alone, “I love him. He’s my whole world, I could never… I love him.”

Helpless, Johnny felt helpless and he hated that.

Taeil searched his eyes for a moment, then he nodded. Looking back to where Taeyong and Yuta were standing, he said, “He loves you, too, you know. Whatever’s been going on inside his head, that never changed. He still looks at you like you hung the moon.”

Johnny couldn’t help but feel relief at Taeil’s words, reassurance. He knew that Taeyong loved him, and he knew that whatever was happening to Taeyong wasn’t his fault, but it was still soothing to hear Taeil say it.

“We will get through this,” Johnny said determinedly. They had fought so hard. The two of them, since the beginning. They could pull through everything.

“Yeah,” Taeil smiled at him, “you will.”

*

Taeyong left the next time they had a couple of days off. He went to his parents house, declining Johnny’s offer (or rather begging) to let Johnny come with.

“You’ll take care of everyone, yeah? I just need a couple of days to think,” Taeyong assured him before he kissed Johnny, softly, and was out of the door, nothing but his notebook, a small backpack and Johnny’s heart in hand.

Johnny spent the three days it took Taeyong to return to him out and about with the members. He took Doyoung to the museum, watched an entire anime with Yuta and even took the Dreamies out to ride bicycles at Han River. At night, he lied in bed, listening to _ Open The Door _ on repeat until he fell asleep. Taeyong had written it after the first time they had slept together, back when they had felt like they were on top of the world with their debut dates set. They hadn’t had sex for nearly three weeks. Johnny was able to handle the physical aspect, he would never force Taeyong to do something he didn’t want to do just to get off. Johnny did miss the intimacy though, missed the feeling of being one with Taeyong, having him and let Taeyong have him like only the other was allowed to. Johnny buried his face deeper in Taeyong’s pillow and forced himself to sleep.

*

Johnny was asleep on the couch in the common room when Taeyong came back. The other boy woke him with a soft kiss to the temple, slowly letting his lips wander down in pecks to Johnny’s mouth.

“I missed you,” Taeyong murmured once they had broken for air and Johnny wanted to cry in relief. Taeyong looked better. The dark circles under his eyes weren’t as prominent, his hair a newfound crimson. Smiling, Johnny let his finger glide over the slit in his eyebrow. He made a mental note to send Taeyong’s mom the biggest bouquet of flowers Gangnam had to offer.

Wrapping his arms around Taeyong’s neck, Johnny pulled the other boy on top of him. “I missed you, too,” he pressed their lips back together, “so much.”

Johnny’s heart fluttered when he felt Taeyong’s hands slip beneath his shirt, gently stroking the sensitive skin of Johnny’s lower back.

“Yeah?” Taeyong asked, pupils dilating.

“Yeah,” Johnny gave back, a puff of air escaping him when Taeyong rolled off of him and onto his feet, allowing Johnny to pick him up not a second later. Savouring the butterflies in his stomach, Johnny carried Taeyong to the bedroom.

*

“I talked to my parents,” Taeyong said as he slipped back into bed after having discarded the washcloth he had used to clean dried cum and their mixed sweat off of his legs and Johnny’s stomach.

Johnny pressed a kiss to the reddish skin of Taeyong’s sternum, tiny smile playing on his lips when Taeyong threw one arm over Johnny’s waist, using his free hand to card his fingers through Johnny’s sweat-damp hair.

“What about?”

“I’m going to get therapy. Outside of the company.”

Johnny arched his back to meet Taeyong’s eyes. There was fear in Taeyong’s eyes, but also hope and most prominently determination. Johnny smiled, genuinely, and pressed his mouth against Taeyong’s, “I am proud of you.”

Taeyong’s eyes went wide, “You are?”

“Of course,” Johnny laughed, taking Taeyong’s hand and pressing a kiss into the palm, “you want to work on getting better. Of course, I am proud of you. What did you think I would say?”

Taeyong shrugged, trying to hide his answer in a mumble, “Dunno, I thought you might think I’m…”

“What?” Johnny furrowed his brows, “I might think you’re what?”

“... fucked up,” Taeyong admitted, “and weird and stuff. I actually just told you so you could reconsider my offer.”

Johnny wanted to get angry because he was angry at the world that had caused Taeyong to think him being not fine made him undeserving of love. He knew that would drive Taeyong into a shell, however.

“Well, you are definitely weird,” Johnny sighed before squeezing Taeyong’s hand, “but you are not fucked up. And I will never leave you, ever. You’re stuck with me til we’re old and wrinkly, sorry.” 

Taeyong shot him a smile, small but genuine, then he buried his face in Johnny’s neck. “You think we’ll still be krumping by then?”

“Oh, definitely.” Johnny allowed himself to snort, but it came out more giddy than anything. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Taeyong responded, “even when we’re old and wrinkly.”

“We can make the kids wheel us around.” 

This time, it was on Taeyong to snort. “I doubt Jisungie would be a fan of that.” 

“We could pay him?”

“You’re ridiculous, Johnny.”

“You love me.”

“With all my heart.”

Johnny smiled into the darkness of their room.

*

Johnny watched as a lady in a green vest carried a parrot past him. At the other side of the room, Doyoung was currently busy smothering Mark with affection while Lucas laughed at them. Johnny searched the set until he found Taeyong in the next room over, standing amongst a hundred gold fish-filled plastic bags hanging from the ceiling. The smile that bloomed on his face when he spotted Johnny was breath-taking, widening even further when Johnny shook the carton of pastries he had brought. 

“Here, to make your beautiful brain go round.” 

Taeyong squeaked as he flicked open the lid and pulled out a pink-glazed muffin, biting into it without inhibition. “‘fhank you.” 

Johnny grinned before he took a closer look at their surroundings. “It looks amazing, Tae. The music video is going to come out so well.” 

Taeyong took the time to chew and swallow before he smiled. “I hope so.” 

It was special to him, Johnny knew, the song he had been writing for years. The song that was finally finished. _ Yestoday. _ Johnny knew which parts were for him, blatantly obvious to anyone who knew Taeyong. Who knew them. 

_ All of your tomorrows, _ Johnny thought smugly, _ all of your tomorrows belong to me. Just like mine belong to you. _ With that, the past, unsteadier versions of Taeyong didn’t matter, had long lost their power. All that mattered was that they had prevailed, against everyone and everything. Taeyong had prevailed. Taeyong, whom Johnny loved more than anything. 

He knew Taeyong could read it in his eyes as he reached for another pastry. They didn’t kiss in public, but that didn’t stop Taeyong from leaning into him. Steady. Strong. Taeyong.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments make me very happy, thank you!
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/taeyongseo)  
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